I started my seeds early, this year, and had pretty strong success with seedlings. I’ve enjoyed a full crop of indoor herbs planted in January (basil, dill, cilantro, chives, plus some chives and sage that were bought mid-cycle.) I had early return crops of lettuce, collards, one very robust green onion, and bok choi, and in March, I sowed early outdoor seeds of peas, carrots, radish, spinach, beets, and garlic starts. I got nothing from the spinach, carrots, and radish, but the garlic, peas, and beets are underway, at various stages.
This is not about what’s right or permissible for anyone but me. I am related to hunters, I understand and respect (for the most part) their argument, but I’ve always known that I didn’t have it in me to follow that path myself. There have been times that I wished that I did. The dog mostly killed a rabbit last year. It wasn’t moving, but I could see its eye looking around, dilating with fear when it saw me, seeming to cloud with pain. I knew that my job was to hit it with the shovel I had brought to move its body to where he couldn’t get to it. I really, really tried to hit it with the shovel, and I’m ashamed to say that I could not, no matter how much I was clear that it was an act of mercy meant to shorten the terror and suffering the rabbit was enduring. I used the shovel to move it as gently as I could away from where he could get to it, I put it someplace peaceful, and I came back later to confirm it was dead and to dispose of the carcass. Which was followed by a horrific stretch involving repeated encounters with maggots that I’ll just spare you.
One of the things I figured out, blessedly, before my dad got sick and died, was that my previous strategy of “I’m not going to deal with that right now” was twisting things up inside me, such that it was difficult to figure out, when emotion popped out of that cauldron in my gut, why I was feeling what I was feeling, let alone how to get past it.
It’s been a crazy few weeks of business travel, and I’ve spent a lot of the travel time trying to figure out what I want from my life. I’m frustrating myself with my lack of progress toward big goals. Lack of progress? Lack of clarity.
One of the best new podcasts I listen to is “The Nuanced Life,” done by the same ladies who bring us “Pantsuit Politics.” I listen to and enjoy them both, but “The Nuanced Life” is really my jam, frankly just because it’s not about politics. I care about politics, I have strong, deeply held and usually unpopular opinions, but talking politics is typically exhausting for me. I’m listening to it because being politically aware is the right thing to do, and I find it less painful than I thought it would be, but given the choice, I’d rather talk about or listen to something that makes me less tense. Something like the anything but politics they talk about on “The Nuanced Life.”
Yesterday, a cute guy walked with me into the office. We were parked near each other, and talked about the parking garage. It was nice. It seemed like he went out of his way to bump into me, and to keep talking to me, and to find out where I worked and to make sure I knew where he worked. It was lovely, and it made me smile.