This Arbonne thing is an example of a thing I do pretty frequently— I have an idea about something and I go ahead and test it, to see if it is what I think it is. A few years ago, I decided I just needed to exercise more, not change my eating. Doing triathlons, I discovered that I was eating enough to offset the exercise and even gaining weight. I had been telling myself that “calories in/calories out” doesn’t work for me. So I tracked my calories and lost weight. I’ve had a few theories (about eating more whole foods, about where my calories were coming from, how hard it would be), and testing them simultaneously means that causality is difficult to determine, but here are some observations:
I’m very conflict-avoidant. Very. I don’t like yelling, I don’t like discord between people. And for weeks now, I’ve been ducking at least two unpleasant conversations. “Sorry! Can’t talk about that— I’ve got an impending crisis to deal with! Sorry! I’m planning a trip and no time for that before the trip!”
This might be the lesson of 2017 so far for me. For the first 2-plus months of this year, my brain spent lots of time looking for reasons that the work situation was going to end my life. Now, my brain is torturing me over radio silence from Grey Area Guy. The story this morning is “but he said that even if we didn’t end up together (which was definitely not going to happen from his end, only if I met someone better while he was getting his poop in a group), we’d still be friends and in each others’ lives and he’d always have my back and what if that’s gone, too, because I definitely can’t take that, and what if he’s been slowly realizing that he didn’t like me as much as he thought he did after all and I should definitely have made it clear that I’d be easy to get along with about the stuff that doesn’t 100 percent overlap and…”
I expected to hear from Grey Area Guy by now. I knew he was under the weather, I knew he was juggling things at home and at work. But since we’ve been back in touch this year, this has been the longest stretch of radio silence. As with the last time, I don’t think, other than the fact that I’m not hearing from him, that there’s reason to believe that there’s something wrong between us. But the way I know for sure that things are okay is our reassuring banter. And we’re not bantering.
So things had been cooking right along with Grey Area Guy. The status had not really changed— he’s officially still working on “trials,” but we talked more and more over the last couple of weeks. I was on an impossible deadline and wildly stressed out, and he was great— very supportive. Distracting, but supportive. He made me smile when I needed that, he had my back when I needed that. And it was hard for me not to let my feelings deepen.
One of my problems with the intensity of things with Grey-area Guy this week is that it’s taking up so much of my energy. A few days ago, I texted him first (a new thing— I had a rule not to do that before things shifted earlier this month) to tell him about a win at work. We started texting a little before I left the office. I stopped to get celebratory take-out and we texted off and on then. Later in the night, I was walking the dog and we were texting until my phone shut down from the cold (the dog hates it when I text and walk him, because it makes me slow. I’m already slow because it’s icy, so he totally hates it and I like not to be distracted my whole walk with him— it’s my quiet time and I love it as much as he does), and we texted for an hour before I went to sleep.
Then, last night, he texted me after I was home from my walk and I was watching TV with mom. I didn’t want to be distracted and absent, so I told him I’d text him later. He said okay and was sweet about it, but was a little excited to talk, and I was aware of that, so when the show was over, I quickly fed the fuzzy ones, cleaned the litter box, did a few things in the kitchen and got back to him. We texted for maybe an hour, again.
But I felt like I was up too late talking with him for a second night in a row, and when I came down this morning, I saw a bunch of things that I thought I took care of but didn’t, because I was distracted and trying to hurry. I started the day thinking that I needed to tell him that we’re not dating and we need to dial it back until he’s ready to date. Single girls who aren’t putting their lives on hold don’t behave this way. And I think there’s truth to that. But then I started to wonder if there wasn’t a more positive way to handle it.