Boundaries, Boundaries, and More Boundaries

So in addition to my very intense boundary lesson, I have a less intense situation with Grey Area Guy. Yes, that is still a thing. It’s a thing where I get texts from him every two weeks, and we’re not a lot closer to being together than we’ve ever been.

I don’t know what’s going on, on his end. My theory is that he’s afraid to go there and he’s putting up roadblocks. He got really busy at work starting mid-March (just as I started to get a little less busy at work), and even when that seems like it might be less of a factor, he’s not inviting me into his life the same way he was in January and February. When I’ve called him on it, he’s been hurt, and he’s made an effort, but he’s also leaning pretty hard on my boundaries. And it seems like he’s crossing the line so that I’ll end it and he can tell himself he tried but I wouldn’t accept him because of x or y.

I’m familiar with this line of thinking. I’m fairly skilled in the arts of romantic self-sabotage myself. Cf. a four-and-a-half-year interaction with this guy. I’ve also gotten hung up on guys who lived in other states, never dated me, and, my specialty, guys I didn’t like that much, so they’d be easy to break up with.

We had an unimportant conversation about a sitcom neither of us really watches recently that seemed to reveal an interest in making me into someone pretty dissimilar to the person I am. And I didn’t argue with him, because it seemed not worth arguing about (I don’t think many things are worth arguing about). But since that conversation, I’ve been less sure that I would want to be with him, even if he were suddenly ready.

The last time he reached out, it was to tell me he’d gone to see a movie I’d recommended he go and see. This would normally be a good thing, but he doesn’t know that I really hoped we’d see that movie together. I knew it would never happen, and didn’t mention it. But when you add it to the local Comic-Con he’s desperate to attend that I’d suggested (months ago) that I might be willing to attend with him, on the day he doesn’t take his kids (he’d asked me in January if I’d consider going and I made a joke about it, but in April or so I said I’d go, if he still wanted me to and he couldn’t be vague-r about whether he was going or would meet me there, only to confirm once I had other plans that he was for sure going on his own) and his unwillingness to make any plans at all, the more I think this is never going to happen. And that it wouldn’t make me happy if it did.

So the last time he reached out, I responded only with a thumbs-up emoticon. We’re 8 days from that now, and he’d be “on schedule” to reach out to me in another 6. I don’t currently intend to engage. And the more I disengage with him, the better I feel about it.

If you want to be with me, BE with me. Also be with ME. And be WITH me. Or don’t. But I don’t think I need much more information to know what I want.

One of the things he’s said all along is that either he’d get past his issues or he wouldn’t, but we’d always be in each other’s lives because I was too important to him for it to go any other way.

I think I see pretty clearly that it needs to go another way.

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4 thoughts on “Boundaries, Boundaries, and More Boundaries

  1. It’s always difficult when you can clearly see what’s going on and where it’s headed and the other person either doesn’t want to see it or hasn’t figured it out yet. Guys are so clueless- this is one thing I am sure of.

    • After all this time, clarity is something I’m grateful for. I’ve spent this whole year living in the question, and I think I know what I need to. And I was always going to need to draw a bright line to be able to move on, and I think I’m ready to do that.

  2. Pingback: Can’t Stop the Train | Adventures of Auntie M

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