It’s been awhile, I know. Briefly, to catch up, Grey Area Guy and I are still on some kind of road. We’ve moved through periods of high intensity in our communication and connection, and we’re in a low-intensity time for the last few days. He’s been under the weather and has some work hectic to face, and I’m still in a fairly intense time at work (though that situation is better than it’s been in awhile) and at home (mostly pleasant getting the yard ready for spring, but there’ve been three ER visits with Mom, so, y’know, not entirely pleasant or lacking stress.) I let him know that I care about his being sick and under some pressure, but I’m taking the time we’d normally be chatting and flirting and using it productively, rather than getting worried or upset about it.
I took my girl-cat to the vet, this morning. It’s been too long since she went— with the dog surgeries and things, I was focused there. I had an appointment to take her in last fall, but wound up taking the boy-cat instead, because he was alarmingly lethargic. And then he died, and the idea of putting her in a carrier and taking her there, even though I don’t blame the vet at all for the boy-cat’s death— it was just too much. But there’s a chance that if I had caught the boy-cat’s situation earlier (he had dropped some weight and might have been dealing with undiagnosed diabetes— we’re not positive, but pancreatitis probably killed him, and, in retrospect, there are some symptoms I was missing because they used the same litterboxes, so I didn’t know that he was urinating much more than normal until I had only her waste, for comparison…) we might have been able to manage it and he might have lasted longer, and I don’t want to make that mistake with her. (Not blaming myself, but trying to make myself do the hard things that need doing.) She needed her teeth cleaned, to get caught up on vaccinations and exams, and general veterinary care, but I was flashing back hard to taking him to the vet and not bringing him home, and it was too much.
Unable to distract myself with work any longer, I decided to go out to lunch. It’s Lent, and I’m just off the restrictive phase of South Beach, but I’m trying to make healthy choices. But, I’ll be honest, I’m inclined to cut myself a break today. It took a lot of adult to force her panicked body into a carrier and take her there and leave and come to work like everything was normal. I’ve been working like a dog, including nights and weekends, all year. The person who I’ve been counting on to make me smile is legitimately otherwise occupied, and doesn’t really know about this, because I feel like he has enough on his plate and we’re still not technically dating. I thought I had $10 off shoes on a loyalty program, and if there was ever a day for some retail therapy, I feel like today’s the day. So I went, and found two cute pair of shoes. Turns out that the $10 wasn’t a thing, but both pair were significantly cheaper than I thought. And by the time I had gotten to the shoe store, I’d heard back, and the girl-cat should be fine. I’ll go pick her up after work tonight.
I wanted to take some time over lunch to write about things and get clear in my head, because I want to take this trip to New York— I was looking for a pleasant goal to work through, a couple of months ago, and found that Sara Bareilles, one of my favorite musicians, who wrote the songs for the Broadway musical “Waitress” is about to assume the lead role. I love the movie “Waitress,” I love the songs she wrote for it, and I love that, though she’s not an actress, she’s always wanted to be on Broadway, and she’s getting this chance. For a girl (me) who’s struggling to decide how to live a dream and what dream to live, this is so inspiring. I talked to my Broadway-lovingest cousin about it, and she said she’d want to go. I picked a hypothetical date and it actually totally worked for her. But I had to wait to see about my job. I felt good enough about it about 10 days ago that I was going to buy the tickets, but I didn’t hear back from my cousin when I reached out to confirm that she was still in. And then I reached out again and said “I’m getting nervous that we’re not going to be able to get affordable tickets— let me know when you get this!” And still crickets.
I could move the trip back and keep trying to get in touch with her, but I’ve already asked for the time off from work, it works with other things in my life, I’ve already dealt with my Mom who was surprisingly and vehemently against it, at first, and who has (somewhat) reconciled herself to it.
This isn’t a big trip— I’m thinking of being there two full days or less, with late night travel there and early morning travel back. I’m thinking I’ll go, maybe walk through Central Park (which I’ve never done), go to the Guggenheim or the MOMA, go see my show, and come home. I’ll let relatives know I’m in the city, if they’d like to get together, but it’s not primarily a visit, it’s primarily a “M needs to fill her tank with dreams and beauty” trip, because I’ve needed something to be working toward. Despite the happiness that the possibilities with Grey Area Guy has inspired, this year has done its best to surgically separate me from a lot of my dreams. I want a couple of days to get them back.
But still I wait. And I’m worried that if I wait much longer, I’ll never get around to going and doing this (at least, during the run of SB in “Waitress”). This isn’t the first time I’ve talked about a quick trip into NYC to do these things. Or the 10th— there’s always a reason not to. And I’m worried that I’ll prioritize what other people need in a way that will leave me empty and resentful.
While I was driving around, I heard this podcast, and the guest was talking about raw, vegan chocolate. I stopped it because raw, vegan chocolate is not something I care about. But I thought I’d give it just a couple of minutes more before I decided. And then the guest said that when people start looking at raw or vegan food, they start considering how they nourish themselves, and that nourishing yourself is about more than food— it’s about how you care for yourself in the world and who and what you surround yourself with, and that as adults, most of us don’t think about how to nourish ourselves. And that’s what this trip is about. My dreams of being a writer are starving, right now. I think about writing, but then I think about how long it’s been since I dusted, or vacuumed, or how much work there is to do between me and the thing I need to launch, and there’s always a reason not to. But I want to fight for those dreams.They’re dreams worth dreaming.
I’m not sure where to end this. If you have wisdom or a story to share, please share it in the comments. And if not, well, thanks for making it this far through my SOS.