Do I Want to Know?

So things had been cooking right along with Grey Area Guy. The status had not really changed— he’s officially still working on “trials,” but we talked more and more over the last couple of weeks. I was on an impossible deadline and wildly stressed out, and he was great— very supportive. Distracting, but supportive. He made me smile when I needed that, he had my back when I needed that. And it was hard for me not to let my feelings deepen.

And then, just as I turned the project in, he went quiet. If I reach out to him, we’ll still chat and things seem okay, but he’s not reaching out to me. I teased him about it last week and he said something about not wanting to distract me, but he’s awfully quiet. And after such a stretch where we were talking so much, it drove me pretty crazy, to not hear from him. After a couple of days of me getting banter going, I vowed to stop reaching out and wait to hear from him. It’s been crickets.

This makes me uneasy, because I’ve had guys ghost on me in the past. One day we’re making plans, the next day I’m not hearing back from them. It feels awful, but it is kind of how cowards operate, and best to know what you’re dealing with sooner rather than later.

Before this stretch of talking all the time, periods of quiet were not at all unusual. Because I never reached out to him, then, the whole situation was clearer to me. He’d eventually reach back out. He’s told me he’s working through some things with a hope toward our being together, but he can’t work on them when we are together, so we’re not. And after the first 36 hours or so of not hearing from him when I thought I would (he said Tuesday night he’d reach out Wednesday and didn’t, then Thursday he said he’d reach out Friday and didn’t. Eventually, if this is still a going concern, I’ll need to let him know just not to set that expectation, if he needs space— the expectation was the thing that was the problem, not the quiet), I calmed down about it. This is the deal— you know this is the deal. It’s fine. In fact, it was taking more of your time and energy and attention than you thought advisable, in your more rational moments, and it’s better that we pause and not let our feelings carry us away before he’s done what he needs to do here.

So I’ve focused on other things, and it’s been good— I’ve gotten a lot done, and I’ve appreciated the ability to really concentrate on other things. Not that I’m not thinking about this, but it’s a much smaller ratio of energy being devoted here, which is consistent with my commitments, at the moment. But this morning, I started thinking: “You could just reach out and ask a clarifying question— ‘is the reason I’m not hearing from you that you’re working on trials, or has something changed?’ and then you could stop worrying about which camp you were in.” I’m 90% sure he’s working on trials and only 10% worried that he’s ghosting. And if he’s ghosting, I’m fine with that (in theory.) My prayer all along has been that if this is not what God has for me, that he makes it not an option, preferably sooner rather than later. Because Him taking it off the table is survivable now. And I don’t know how good I’d be at walking away, either now or later.

The certainty of it is appealing, especially since I expect that it’s trials and not that something’s changed for him. But then there’s the possibility that I wouldn’t like the answer, and I’d find the certainty, the other direction, just as distracting and challenging as the uncertainty. For now, I think I’m just going to watch and wait and try to keep quiet on my end.

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