So I’m happy to report that the news at work is getting better. They’re taking things I don’t like off my plate— really tactical, mind-numbing work— to free me up to focus on content. Which is my passion. And I love that.So where, two weeks ago, I was coming home in tears because it was just so clear that I couldn’t live this way anymore, I’m feeling like “huh— maybe this isn’t so bad after all!”
But I’m wondering if it’s a trap.I have definitely made the most progress in my life when I’m in the “just can’t take it anymore!” space. And when things let up, it’s easy for me to fall back on “you know, it’s not like they’re poking me with sticks or anything…” even when I admit that it’s not ideal. And fundamentally, I’m still more tactically oriented than I would like to be, I’m still feeling a little isolated, I’m still doing something that I’m good at but not something I have great passion for.
Which is fine— I can find my passion outside work, and frankly, having lived both ways, I prefer it. I’m a bit of a natural workaholic, and feeling like work isn’t my whole life leads to a better life for me.
But I’m concerned that this is the same thing as when I get halfway to my goal weight and stall. It’s totally progress-adjacent, and yay for progress-adjacent. I like it when my clothes fit better and I feel better with more energy and can maybe get into a smaller size and all that. But there was a reason I set my goal a little further down the road, and that reason has not changed. Yay for progress at work! Yay for a job where nobody is poking me with sticks! But mostly the status quo doesn’t actually work for me, and the longer I justify that with “but I’m not actually in pain, and looking for a job kind of sucks a lot,” the deeper the hole I eventually have to dig my way out of.
I think I’m going to have a weekend, before I make myself sick. (The Olympics are trying to kill me. Another post entirely.) And then I’ll come back to it. No, seriously.