The last several weeks have been uncomfortable for me— realizing that I really need to make a change, no seriously— it’s always an emotional thing for me to come to terms with. I’ve cried a lot of tears over it, in the last couple of weeks. But suddenly my tears are dry, and I’m seeing things differently.
I think the vision board exercise really helped. I ran out to do some errands on my lunch hour and stopped by Nordstrom Rack. I never shop there, because it always seems just a little on the snooty side, but I had this thing related to the makeup post from last week that said that I need to start making more of an effort with how I’m coming off, so I forced myself to go in and look around today. And I found some cute things, and I realized that, though I’m not making much of an effort at the moment, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have good style or even a good wardrobe— I actually dress fine. I’m a little long on blingy flip flops at work, but that’s not inappropriate in my company culture. I need to focus on the fitness end so that my clothes are a little more flattering, but the clothes themselves are not a problem. I’m wearing makeup more and making more of an effort with jewelry and my hair, and it’s fine. I was relaxed, I wasn’t starting from zero, and it hasn’t taken much to get up and running in a better direction.
While I was there, I found these starfish earrings. They’re nothing fancy— little gold studs, and a little more expensive than I hoped they’d be, on the clearance rack. I talked myself out of them, and then picked them back up, and talked myself out of them… I ultimately went back and got them, though I don’t strictly need them. Starfish are a bit of a theme for me— they’re taking over my bathroom, and the story about the starfish on the beach and making a difference for one— it’s a bit of a cliche, but it works for me. It’s an image that I can hold onto. (N.B. I’m not starting a collection of them, to anyone who knows me in real life.)
I also found a thin, silver bracelet that says “Explore, dream, discover.” To me, that’s the blessing— I’ve realized that it’s not about the fact that I feel like I’m stuffed in a too-small box and people are jumping on the lid, it’s about proactively discovering the dream of the thing that comes next, and then making it happen. The bracelet is a lovely addition to my ugly fitness tracker and hair tie on that wrist, and it’s a constant reminder that I’m on a journey of discovery. Which is a much better way to frame a thing than “I can’t do it anymore.” I can discover a better way to do this. I can discover a life that is more in keeping with what I ultimately want. I have the grace of stable employment to give me time and space to make this happen.