So an update on the romantic situation: I’m not in communication with grey area guy or the most recent ex, at the moment. The most recent ex reached out to me on the last night of the cruise, and I wasn’t really using the Internet on the cruise, so I didn’t answer then… and I didn’t answer for a couple of days after that because of spotty signal… and then I chose not to answer it. Because I’m hoping that resolves it. I’m not angry with him, but we’re done, and I don’t want to keep doing whatever these check-ins are. And I haven’t heard from grey area guy since just before the business trip. He reached out, we chatted a little, things were better than they were at their worst, but he reached out at an inconvenient time when I legitimately couldn’t talk, and I just haven’t proactively contacted him. He didn’t know the exact dates of my trips, and he hasn’t gotten in touch since. I miss him, but I think it’s a good thing.
Yesterday, there was a lot going on and it had been a week so far. Toward the end of the day, I started wishing there was a guy at home who’d just put his arms around me and let me rest my head against his chest. We wouldn’t have to talk, I wouldn’t ask more of him, just to stay in this moment with his arms around me and be with me. It was a very particular, tangible longing. And there was something reassuring about that, for me. I didn’t want it to be either of the guys above, just someone who cared enough to be with me in that moment. I think it’s the stirrings of something healthier for me, than either of those other things. Ready for a strange analogy? It’s like when you’ve been eating junk food and you stop for awhile— you start eating healthier, and you weather the physical transition that puts you through, and one day you suddenly feel hungry— legitimately, physically hungry that has nothing to do with your blood sugar tanking or a craving or eating emotionally— a clean, uncomplicated kind of hungry. Because it’s neither the food nor hunger that’s the problem, it’s all the other things we twist it into.
I’m not ready to go back to online dating. There’s enough other stuff in my life that I can’t start from nothing and market myself— I need to start from at least some mutual chemistry. I’m going to a singles event on Friday night that’s not really about meeting people, but about an area of interest in the company of people like me who happen to be single. Last night, I ran into a nice guy new to my neighborhood while walking my dog while he walked his dog— anything, just not building from scratch.