Let me start by saying that I understand that people have real problems, and that I’m fortunate that when I get mildly depressed, the way I am now, that it’s not worse. My mood is powerfully influenced by the weather, and the weather around here has been not-great for supporting an energetic and positive mood, since I got back from my last trip. Combined with my exhaustion following that event and the need to get up-and-running for the next event, as well as all of the other plates I have spinning (teach a class! speak at Toastmasters! be a good friend! clean and puppy-proof the house while learning how to train the dog! plan a trip! be more fun!)
I’m exhausted. I feel like whatever I do, it’s not enough. I feel like the positive things that came from me applying for the job, over the summer, were bait that I was stupid enough to take and they’ll never really come true, so now I have to start all over again on the job search right away. It’s one of those times when nothing goes the way it should, nothing is simple or straightforward. It’s never enough that you’ve already answered that question to that person 47 times before, and little fires just seem to pop up everywhere you look. I took the time to lesson plan for the class I took tonight— time I didn’t have— and within hours, the administrators of the program turned the plan upside down and we’re going to do things on the fly. I took the time to volunteer for Toastmasters something like 16 hours ago, and I still don’t know if I’m speaking in another 16 hours, or evaluating, or doing neither. Should I be writing and rehearsing a speech while I’m in the grocery store? Trust me— my local grocery store has seen worse.
I’m a big believer that you learn more by going through times like this than you do going through times when everything inexplicably comes together, but I’m not at all fond of going through them.
I’m wondering if I should ride this out or go back and check in with my therapist. I had been in infrequent therapy through early August, because I believe that sometimes, an outside perspective is helpful, even when nothing big is going on. I stopped going because although I like my therapist, it felt like I was providing her with more resources than she was providing me, and sometimes, when it’s not an exact fit with a therapist, I get an unpleasant yo-yo situation. In an actual crisis in high school, that meant that a guidance counselor said “you must come see me weekly until we get through this.” When I showed up as scheduled, a week later, she said “yeah, but I didn’t mean every week!” And so when I didn’t go the next week, she sent for me, furious. This therapist said to me, at the end of May “you seem pretty stagnant, with nothing really going on. Are you discouraged?” I disagreed, knowing I’d launched this blog and was working on any number of things. A couple of months later, when the fruit of all of that work was ripe, she said “wow, things are really going great for you,” like it wasn’t a logical consequence of what had preceded it. We didn’t formally end the relationship, we just had a scheduling pickle and I haven’t rescheduled. We agree that I’m wildly functional— the problem isn’t that I don’t know how to handle my life, it’s that sometimes, the water is you’re in is deep, and you need someone to encourage you and help you see your situation clearly.
But then again, I’m not sure that adding that back in helps me feel any less frustrated. Maybe less frustrated is not what I’m after. Sometimes frustration is what spurs you to decisive action, like changing the job situation. I welcome your thoughts if you have them, and appreciate your indulgence of my grumpy mood, if you don’t.